Standing on the Heights

"You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning;

my God turns my darkness into light.

With your help I can advance against a troop;

with my God I can scale a wall."

He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him...

"He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;

he enables me to stand on the heights.

He trains my hands for battle; my arms

can bend a bow of bronze. You give me

your shield of victory, and your right hand

sustains me; you stoop down to make me great.

You broaden the path beneath me, so that my

ankles do not turn."

- Psalm 18

The Hardships and the Victories

Yesterday I composed this email to my very good friend Debbie Long at Mast General Store. Debbie had kept asking me for details about everything. As I was writing the letter, I was thinking, "Man... these words are really good. I should cut and paste pieces of this to other people also because it really says perfectly what's going on and how I'm feeling right now." When Debbie received the email, she wrote back immediately and encouraged me to post it on the blog exactly as it is. So I am doing just that. Even though to me it seems a bit personal, I really can't think of a better way to describe everything. And besides, I choose to share the personal stuff with you all, my loved ones back home - the hardships as well as the victories. So here it goes. Here is what it is like to go and live in a different country, though the eyes of Steph...

"So I know that you have been requesting to know more. It would take volumes, but I will see what I can do. There's so much. So much newness to get used to. I find myself constantly overwhelmed and very emotional. Things are truly amazing, I am getting to be a part of things here that I only dreamed of.... Just take a look at this picture:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=37504490&l=f32bed3f6f&id=29712594

But there's much more than that... much more than hiking and mountains and landscapes... it's the people that are really getting my heart. They are so happy that people have come to Bulgaria. The culture here is so... downtrodden. Not only as far as their view of the country but about how they are doing every day. They have this cultural thing they will tell you about... whenever you ask how they are doing as a greeting most people will say a word that sort of means "so so" or "not great" with a negative connotation. It's the typical response, like, "Well you know, look around, how could I be great?" The thinkers here and many of the young ones see this attitude as a problem in their country. They think it's terrible. But it's here, and they talk to me about my coming and the coming of the others from the U.S. as something that they are so happy about because it brings a new attitude, a happiness and light. An "optimism", they call it. And while so many are fleeing Bulgaria in search of better education or more opportunities in life, here we are coming and it blows them away. But I've met many younger ones who have the fire to stay and live and make Bulgaria and even Burgas a better place, and they are doing it! In my opinion, I see the problems with the systems and education and whatnot, but in so many ways Bulgaria already is an amazing place. Not to say that Bulgarians don't have a pride in their country, for sure they do. Right now, in front of the rest of the world, unfortunately it seems to be a self-conscious pride. Sometimes, they put their country down when comparing it to other countries, but at the same time, they want visitors to see the beauty here and they are so hospitable and so happy to show off what Bulgaria has to offer. They will always ask you why Bulgaria when they find out that you have come to spend a year here.

All of this stuff is a big deal. It makes me know that me being here is important. I have to tell you though, that while I am truly blown away in my heart, being here is so hard. I miss the U.S. I miss my dog. I miss the turning of the seasons in Boone, how it's fall and all that I love doing with my friends at this time of year. I feel a deep loneliness for those who really know me. What I wouldn't give for one night just to kick back with my roommates and watch a movie in the living room. I am making friends here, I have even found an amazing church. But on a consistent basis my emotional... what's the word, "health"? "well being"? Let's go with "emotional state"... still doesn't seem to be that great. I cry often, especially in the middle of the day, I get hit. It's just so much to take in, I miss so much, and I feel so lonely inside. I struggle with this, and I fight against depression that would impede me doing my work as far as teaching and preparing for my classes. 30 teenagers in each class I think really demands my focused time... And it's important that I'm here for this job, and for such a time as this. Through the challenges, I think everything is just as it should be.

So please remember me, I know that you do ;) Sometime later I will tell you about the poor people and the old people and the gypsies and the stray cats, but for now I'll leave you with this. With much love to you and Barb and everyone. Thank you for your consistent comments and encouragement over the web ;] Doing this wouldn't be nearly as workable without you guys.

(By the way, I mean that to ALL of you!)

Much love,

In His Grip,

Steph

"I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

"Your Promises are structures already formed..."

Burgas: Personal Reflections

On another note, I am struggling with a deep sadness at some of the things I see here. Of course it is no surprise, but it is different when you see it and experience it every day and you know that more places than not in the world hold a whole lot more of it as well. The city of Burgas is in many ways is a more rough place than I am used to. You have to hold your own. It makes you think you have to develop a thick, tough skin. But I'm not buying into that. There's a lot of things and personality changes that go along with that that I don't want any parts of for me. I'll let the Lord be my protector and guide. I also often struggle with loneliness, as is to be expected and I think common for anyone doing this. I've learned that it is possible to be lonely among many. It is quite easy to do.

I wish I could climb up on a mountain and look on this place from a distance... At least I can go to the sea and look at the stars in the sky and know who God is and that He's sent me.

A New Chapter: Living and Teaching in Burgas

Whew! Long time with no update! It would take me forever to tell you everything. On August 22nd, I said goodbye to all my new friends who I was with in Tryavna and began the train journey to Burgas. By that time, all of us at FISI (the 2-week international school in Tryavna) had really bonded in a way that I didn’t realize until I was away from them. I am so happy that I came to Bulgaria earlier in order to attend. It was truly a great way to kick off my year (or "almost year" 11 months) in Bulgaria, and really a very special time. I am still in touch with everyone and plan to see many of them when I visit Sofia for Fulbright Orientation Sept. 24th-25th. I am really looking forward to being with everyone again.

As far as Burgas, I arrived on Saturday afternoon, August 22nd. A good friend of mine from the Tryavna school traveled with me. I later realized he did this mainly to make sure I didn’t get lost or die, as he had to help me deal with traveling with all of my bags (imagine, everything for a year), translating from English to Bulgarian, and even stopping a train that had started to go so that I could get off!!! Yep, what a time. When we arrived I was greeted by Nina, my contact teacher, and also Misho, who is now my 21-year old landlord.

The people who I’ve met in Burgas have been wonderful. My acquaintances and friends to this point have been alarmingly hospitable and kind. Zhelyo is an interesting friend who I’ve met. While trying to adjust to the city of Burgas during the first few days, wondering "where’s the woods?" "why is there so much techno music?" and "who can I relate to?" Lo and behold I am introduced to Zheylo, a 19-year old Bulgarian who lived and studied for a year in where of all places??? Asheville, North Carolina! Not only did I now have someone who spoke English well who I could talk to, I had someone who knew completely 100% where I was coming from.

The day before yesterday I celebrated my one-month anniversary here in Bulgaria. At this rate, it won’t take long at all to do this 10 or 11 times. By now, the summer holidays are coming to a close and it’s time to buckle down with the school I will be working for and the students I will be teaching. I met the principal a few days ago and I am beginning to meet my colleagues. I will teach 9th grade and 11th grade. I will teach 7 classes of ninth graders on Fridays and 5 classes of eleventh graders on Mondays. Average class size is 30 for the ninth grade and 25-26 for eleventh!!!!!! This equals over 300 students who I will teach weekly. Wow. Talk about firsts…

Since I’m teaching on my own, I’ve got the freedom to plan the lessons and activities. With such large groups, I think I will find it a challenge to fit really effective language lessons into the 40-minute allotted time period. Yet, just because it’s challenging doesn’t make it impossible. We will find some great things to do, and I look forward to some excellent times with these students. If anything else, I will come back more experienced.

I think that’s enough for now. It goes without saying how much I miss you guys. Please continue to keep in touch and keep me in your prayers. - Steph

(Pictures: Top - FISI friends in Tryavna. After two weeks of hard work, they are waving their final certificates for the courses! Left Bottom: Playing guitar on the train with Elena and Dobrin (who took this picture. Glen Hansard's "Say it to Me Now" is a great song). Right Bottom: More wonderful friends in Tryavna: Richard, Julia, and Dobrin.)